arabwel | Fuck..

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Fuck..

having a massive cryinbg fit. Firrst one in ges and itps hard. Feeling öliker sa completye useless fuckup of a monster that no one will ever love. Wish I could just die.

want to stop hurting like this. I wish I werew ptretyty.. then I wouldnopt hurt like this.

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If I were pretty, someone would want me. if I were skinny, I wouldnpot be the one who always gets passed over.

Everyone gets passed over sometimes. It's happened to me enough times. I've also spent long periods of time without anyone 'wanting me'.

Am I not pretty?

lwrts put it this way; i get ALWAYS passed over, and mp one EVER wants me - that is aas in always and ever, not hyperbole. I'm 20 and have never been on a date. My only "boyfriend" was pulling a practical joke on me. My.. sordid escapafdes.. are just that, sorfdid.

Not sure I've ever been on a date as such, and a year back the only girlfriend I had was a girl whom I met whilst she had severe self-esteem problems, not a good track record.

As I said elsewhere, you convince yourself no one wants you, you'll make it true.

I've met girls whom I was flirting with and then I lose all interest just because they start being self-depreciative. Not because of the way they look, or any other part of thier personality, just the self-depreciation.

better than mine no matter where you look at it...

I'm, not being self-deprecating, I'm being honest.

Not really, dating a girl with severe self-esteem problems doesn't really count for anything.

And call what you want, it's self-depreciation

Better than the one person that I ever called my boyfriend having asked me to be his gf as a practical joke and haveing been banging my roommate for all the 36 hours it lasted. that doesnpt exactly count, either...

And what could I say about myself that isnpåt self-depreciating that would also be true, if not stating what I believe I am?

Niether count for anything then. Either way doesn't seem we were much better off than each other.

You can state what you believe is the case and it be self-depreciative at the same time. If you didn't believe it it wouldn't be a problem.

You are lucky to have found Domina. (And incidentally, in case I haven't said it huirt her and they will never find the body)

I suppose so. buit I donpt think i will be able to believe anything else, either.

if I were skinny, I wouldnpot be the one who always gets passed over.

Guess what, I was the skinny one. I was the one who was 19 years old, 6 feet tall and weighed just over 8 stone. I had hips and collarbones that stuck out like coathangers and I hated the way I looked. My tutor in college spent two years asking my friends if they ever saw me eat because she was convinced I was anorexic.

All my friends had cleavages and boyfriends, and I was flat-chested and alone. I was convinced that if only I had a bust, someone would want me. Eventually I decided it wasn't going to change, I had good friends who I loved, and I was okay with being alone.

Slowly I started to believe it. As I did, I became more confident and found it easier to talk to people without worrying about what they thought of how I looked. And lo and behold, people started to take an interest in me.

Nothing is more of a turn-on than confidence. Nothing is more off-putting than shyness and self-loathing. People can smell it a mile off, and they run from it. It's nothing to do with how you look, and everything to do with how you feel about yourself. I have overweight friends who are flirty and have loving SOs and are considered sexy by lots of people who meet them.

I met my current SO when I was almost 24, and before that, I'd had one 'boyfriend' (as opposed to a few one night pick-ups, which were fun, not sordid) and he lasted two weeks. I never dated anyone at all before I was 20.

You're not alone in your dilemma. You're not the only person who ever despaired of being wanted. You're not the only one who never dated when all their friends went from boyfriend to boyfriend.

You are the only one who can fix it. Not necessarily by dieting, but if dieting makes you feel better about yourself so that the confidence comes with it, that will work. But if you want someone else to find you interesting and sexy and fun, you have to convince yourself that you are all those things first.

The problem? Today, showing your bones and having no bust gets you in magazxine covers. Being fat makes people immediately assume a hell of a lot of things - lazy, dumb, has no self-control, is a useless loser - that sort of a thing.

showing your bones and having no bust gets you in magazxine covers.

My friends kept telling me that too. It never got me any modelling work. Or a boyfriend!

People do make assumptions about fat people (but people were making assumptions about me too, like that I had a mental illness and deliberately starved myself), but those assumptions only last until the moment you open your mouth and show yourself to be witty, well-informed and fun.

Actually, I do have a friend who considers weight arousing. Each time he draws pictures of girls, they're big and round.

So it's just a matter of finding the right one. Not to mention that the right one'll love you for who you are, not for what you look like.

*hugs*

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