Fuck..

[arabwel]

having a massive cryinbg fit. Firrst one in ges and itps hard. Feeling öliker sa completye useless fuckup of a monster that no one will ever love. Wish I could just die.

want to stop hurting like this. I wish I werew ptretyty.. then I wouldnopt hurt like this.

Comments

Re: inside and out

[rifumi.livejournal.com]

I've always had trouble with the idea of dividing people up into emotional/rational because I find myself to be both. There are many components of my personality that are entirely irrational (intuitive?) and emotionally based, but I don't find them to confict at all with rationality.

Yes, it's just a way to describe the three most common ways of decision-making, in my mind. These three methods aren't mutually exclusive. Problems start to arise when you're lacking in skills to solve them, or when you try to use the wrong tool for the task.

But I would say it takes a very stable person to be able to say that different parts of their personality are not conflicting (and that this is not due to suppression of but one part). It's a good thing if you have this sorted out, for sure.

I can understand the issue of finding the real problem, though I don't see that conflicting with rationality as such. Sounds rather that we just need a more deep rational exploration and knowledge of the self.

In my opinion rationality only goes so far in addressing emotional problems. The world of logic is a world of words, but when you explore your mind, you will soon come to a place where words no longer have meaningful application. You have to put the "rational map" away and start drawing a new one, describing your landscape with.. feelings, for a lack of a better word (!).

This may not be a good example, but anyway. I associate a certain traumatizing event in my childhood with an unpleasant physical feeling. Sure, it can be labelled as a repressed memory, and my reaction as post-traumatic stress, etc. But no words can help me find my way in my own mind, they can't make me feel the feelings I need in order to heal. Only later on, a word-construct can be made to describe the events. Ack, I'm so sorry if this makes no sense..

Trying to describe everything in rational terms just keeps you from crossing that border to the world of formless emotion and irrational thoughts. And unfortunately, you can't give an emotional map to someone else.

Can't really agree with the self-esteem issue itself, probably because I'm not sure what you mean by self-esteem. Self esteem is simply equivelent to self-respect and like, and tied directly into how far short a person's perception of themselves falls from thier idea of who they should be, hence can be addressed either by changing the way one feels about themselves (by no driving themselves into the ground and telling themselves they're ugly all the time) or by changing thier expectations of themselves (I don't need to be perfect). There doesn't seem much more to it.

Ok, I would give self-esteem a much wider definition. I would say it is basically a _feeling of security in the self_. This means that one understands why they are who they are, and have a coherent self-image. One must also be comfortable with their own self-image (I think this is your definition). It also means that one trusts in their self, in their ability to continue to maintain a desired self in the face of threats and conflicts.

You can see how self-esteem defined this way could be thwarted in many ways.
Unfortunately, perhaps, it seems that the basic foundation is laid in childhood and adolescense. But, of course, the faith in one's ability to heal, change and develop is a part of good self-esteem. Building something like this from scratch can be extremely hard, though.

Though yea, realisation that the way we feel about ourselves is irrational isn't the whole journey, but I do feel it's the first step.

I would say the desire to change is the first step, but this is probably irrelevant - all these steps are necessary. However, it may be quite hard to get out of the vicious cycle of negative self-image - self-deprecating thoughts - more negative self-image... I'm not sure rational thinking alone can turn the course to positive thoughts - more positive self-image - more positive thoughts. Though, if it can.. it sure is worth trying.

[cut for length]